Mental Health Check
Today I took the time to self evaluate my feelings and take a temperature on the state of my mental health since last months stress. I have to say once I cried it out, realized that I would never get the apology or closure I wanted, I forgave and decided to move on with my life. I decided that I cannot expect everyone to treat me with the same kindness and respect I've shown others and I do not have to involve myself or engage with anyone who doesn't value me or treat me with respect. I dont have to extend myself or go above and beyond for anyone that never asks me how I am doing, never asks about my mental health, who doesn't care when a medical emergency happens to me, and when n the rare days I speak about my day I am told "I dont want to hear about that." Everything I do and everything I endure I do so to make sure my children have a great life. They are my reason for drive and ambition. I have also come to realize that my healed version of myself is more cutthroat than my unhealed version. I have learned that I am not going to please everyone and I am not in the business of being fake or kissing anyone's ass so that they can feel better about their life. I have great plans for my life and for the life of my children and I have realized that you cannot take everyone with you and sometimes you have to shed parts of yourself of what doesn't feed your soul in a positive way. I cannot allow someone who walks around in a negative space affect my life. IDK if that makes me feel numb but I have to live for my kids. I have to look at it from a non selfish perspective. I have also learned to reciprocate whatever energy is presented to me. Now a days I meet people with the same energy that is given to me. You get back what you have dished out plain and simple. I don't have the time to stroke egos at the risk of my self respect and my dignity. I've given enough grace. I'm done and over it. From here on out I will only strive to be a better mother, a better student, and a better daughter. I will learn better discernment. I will also continue to make sure I hold myself accountable for when I am wrong. I will journal more so that my thoughts aren't locked inside me like a pressure cooker. I will learn to be softer to those who deserve it. I will celebrate my wins more. I will allow myself to make new connections and build new friendships. I will start going out on my own again and enjoying my own company. I love myself. I love my lifes trajectory right now. It is hard? , yes. Is it worth it?, also yes. Am I going to cry? probably ( im a bug crybaby). But am I going to complain? no. Life isn't fair sometimes. Sometimes you dont know what life cards your dealt until it pops up and shocks you. But through it all I will stay positive and take it one day at a time.
I know I have skills that others might seem valuable. I can solve puzzles, I read books, I can cook, I can clean, I can build things, I can raise chickens and grow crops, I am good at pest control, I am excellent at paperwork organizing and caretaking. I know how to handle business and balance a checkbook. I can dance. I love anime, doll houses you paint and make up from scratch and little crochet frogs in cute little outfits. I have a sense of humor. I have a quick wit. I plan ahead for the future and for disaster. I am a great mother. I am nurturing. I love the holiday season. I know how to take accountability for my actions and apologize. I have emotional maturity and depth. I have gone and I have benefited from therapy. I meditate daily. I try to keep an optimistic mind. I am punctual. I can have stimulating conversations. I love myself. Hopefully one day I can share all that I am with a significant other but until then I am ok with being alone. I have learned to sacrifice.
I have such high hopes and dreams no one will derail it or suck me into foolishness. All I can do is stay out the way, read the room and reciprocate what is given to me.
Until next time Journal ✌🏾
