Sunday Funday!

 It was cleaning and school prep day for me at the Whitehead home. I cleaned my room and bathroom, organized the girls' toys and clothes, hung up my oldest daughter's uniforms, and made the beds. I also broke out the heated blankets because it is getting frigid outside. The rain 🌧 has died down a bit and the rain boots for Leuch (my oldest daughter. I have nicknames for my kids who doesn't) haven't come in  yet even though Amazon told us yesterday that it would be delivered today because it is running late. So this means Leuch will have to wear her regular shoes tomorrow instead of the new cute rainboots we got her. 

I in my binge-watching glory have finished both seasons of Squidgames: The Challenge on Netflix. Leuch really likes Squidgames and plays it on Roblox so I thought it would be a good bonding experience for us to watch it together.  Well she only watched half of the episodes, as me and her sister little sister  BinMin watched both of the seasons over the weekend.  I mean we were glued to the screens. I cleaned my room to this show. It was intense. I will definitely watch season 3 when it comes out. 

Now that thats done I have now started a show that is old and everyone said was good but I never took the time to watch it. Scandal.  I'm currently watching episode 3 of Season 1 and I like it so far. 

I am almost done with my 1st semester at Cal State LA, and so far so good. I promised myself that I would be more social at my new school, because when I was at Santa Monica College I kept my head down and in the books and I didn't go to games or parties or anything. At least at CSULA they have sororities, sports games, social gatherings and events. I also promised myself I would make some friends, and I promised myself that I would get back into my hobbies. 

I am trying my best to live my life as peaceful and as stress-free as possible.  I am slowly learning this past week to aclimate to enjoying my own company. Leaning into enjoying spending time with my children more. I am looking into finding theater and concert tickets for 1. 

I also do not know where I stand with the workaholic man that I have been seeing. I have tried to reach out to him several times and just like with others, I am tired of always trying to be the sensible one, the one that always has to make the 1st move. I am tired of that. I am worth more than that. I am better than this. I am learning to love myself and trust myself.  I am also learning to put myself first in all aspects. 

Regarding to the situation last week, I am healing from forgiving them for not giving me apology or the closure I know I will never get. That I know I deserve. As far as respect for them for now it is nonexistent.  I find their cowardice and hubris infuriating.  I also feel like things will never be the same. I can be cordial but I know for a fact that my soul is tired of the back and forth, the window for reconciliation has passed and frankly I deserve better. It didn't take more than a week to realize that I was wrong and issue any kind of apology. For me it barely took 48hours. I did not allow pride, or past feelings get in the way of me apologizing for when I am wrong. I also do not let my feelings or the way people treat me dictate how I treat them in return. I also have an inner thing where if I ever feel like at any point in my life that I have to put hands on you, I dont need to be around you. I never want to get put into that type of situation again, where I get antagonized to the point where I snap then I am the only one being held accountable for the entirety of the situation.  I refuse to be put into thay type of situation again and I refuse to be around anyone who cannot hold themselves accountable for their actions, and who lets their pride get so far in the way to where it ruins relationships.  I am over that. I am dont with that. That type of situation is toxic and if the other person will not step up and acknowledge their part and apologize for their part so that we can discuss and move on, I dont want to be apart of any of it. I will bow out gracefully with peace and love. I am good and I wish them all the blessings in the world, just not around me.  I have learned to love from a distance, with no malice or ill will. I am just all the way good on this as a whole. I'm past the discussion phase. I'm not gonna meet people where they are, and I am not giving anyone closure and sit-downs who cannot even apologize when they are wrong, yet instead put other people in the way to deliver messages that they cannot bring to me directly because they have not apologized yet for their actions. I am mentally and physically exhausted from the whole thing. I am ending the cycle. I do not want my children to believe that letting time passing without apologizing and not taking accountability for ones actions is the right thing to do, because it isn't.  I have got to do better for my children. I have got to be better for my children. They deserve a mother who is happy, peaceful and healthy.  I am standing up for my inner child. I hope she is proud of me.