Accountability Time
Today, I come here to release my emotions about this and gain some clarity, so that I can move forward. I had a confrontation with a loved one that got physical. The part I played in the altercation, I acknowledge and regret. I have written to the person in question and apologized for my part in the confrontation, and I have also apologized to the others who witnessed it. The thing I can't seem to wrap my head around or get past is the portion where the other party believes they should get a face-to-face apology first when they were the initial instigator and aggressor. I reacted to what was initially done to me, and now everyone is reacting to my reaction because I took it too far. I feel like had the person not taken it to that level, I would not have taken it to the next level, which I agree was taken too far. In this altercation, they touched me in an aggressive manner first, which caused me to react unfavorably. I was sitting down while they were screaming and cursing out everyone in the room. I did not get up then. I stated, "Shut up and go back into your room before we have a problem. I stayed sitting down when they walked aggressively across the room, over 12ft of space, hollering at me and shouting obscenities. I stayed sitting down when they were in my face, pointing and clapping at me and shouting " Shut the fuck up! I do have a problem with you, so what the fuck are you going to do about it!?! What the fuck are you going to do!" I pointed back at them in retaliation ( no physical contact of any kind). They then slapped my hand hard, and it flew back. That was the point where I stood up out of my chair. They had touched me. Now my reaction to that aggression was met with a rage I have not had in a while. What happened after I stood up, I take full responsibility for. I should have let it roll off my back, but I didn't. It took me back to a place that I have been working hard with my therapist about, and so I feel like I had to take a step back, reflect, and regroup. Unlike the person with whom I've had the confrontation, I acknowledge that I had something to do with the confrontation. I finished it. I did not start it. My main thing is if I ever argue with someone, as long as they do not touch me in any way with aggression, then I won't retaliate. The minute they touch me, that is a clear violation of my person, and I don't play like that. I go straight into hell with it. That part of not reacting so harshly is what I am working hard on and continue to work hard on.
Even though I love this person, I am afraid that we will not be the same. The person does not take accountability for their major part in the instigation and 1st contact of the argument that led to the physical part. Until they acknowledge their part in it and apologize for it, there is nothing to discuss. I have already written an apology for my part in it, but until they do the work to reflect on their part and apologize to me, I am afraid we will not mend that night. For some reason, this person does not like to acknowledge how they make others feel. It is a prideful stance, but what can you do?
For now, all I can do is continue to live my life, go to school, pay my bills, and love my kids.
